This morning brought with it some much needed perspective.

I allowed myself to get pretty worked up about testing yesterday. My body ached…aggravated lower back, sore hand, throbbing foot, bruised ego. My emotions were raw.

Testing doesn’t seem so significant today. Failing one test isn’t going to discourage me enough to discontinue training.

I’m not in this for anyone else but me. It is a selfish endeavor. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of my efforts. Recognition from others is certainly nice and it is definitely motivating. However, it isn’t the most important part of training. What matters most is that I try my hardest and that I know I have given my best.

When my back is about to give out, when my knees are screaming, when every muscle in my body is trembling, no one else’s assessment of the situation matters. If I know I’m giving the best I can at any point, others can scream until they’re blue in the face, it won’t change my physical limitations.

I’m never going to look like a 19-year-old martial artist. My spinning back kick will never be a beautiful thing to see. I’m okay with that. That doesn’t mean I won’t try to make it look better or be stronger.

I also know that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel guilty if I’m unable to schedule my training when it is convenient for others. I’ll go to class when I’m able to, I’ll learn or refine whatever it is we work on in that class, I won’t be guilted in to believing that I’m an undedicated student because I’m not able to make it to a particular class.

As much as I hate to admit it, a good deal of my angst yesterday was rooted in the notion that I had of making it to black belt “on schedule.” Meaning, this time next year I would have been testing for black belt. Yesterday’s test blew that right out of the sky. A black belt would be a nice achievement to reach, but maybe the time frame I set for myself is unrealistic. I’m older than most people training and it takes me longer to learn most things. I have a chronic back problem that limits my ability to stretch and move. I have a young family I want to spend time with and a rigid training program is stressful for all of us.

I’ll train when I can and I’ll learn what I’m able to learn in the time I have.