A week or so back, Sa Bum Nim announced that Lefty, myself, and about three or four other red belts from our school would be allowed to test for Cho Dan in January (this is four months earlier than we were expecting to be able to test). Some students from our "sister" school will be testing with us. The kicker is that we will be testing in front of a group of Masters from other schools, amoung them will be the founder and leader of our Tang Soo Do federation.
Since then every time I think about it I'm hit with a jolt of euphoria which instantly turns into fear.
Euphoria in that this test is like a rite of passage. I keep trying to find a way to explain it to people who aren't in a martial art. Friends seem to think this is like a final exam and that the test brings some sort of closure with it. It's the opposite. This test, hopefully, will bring with it a beginning. It opens the door to the real training.
Queue the fear, or something like that.
I want so much to believe that I'm ready for this test. In most respects I think I am. But it is amazing to me that a small dose of insecurity can take years of training and completely remove it from the equation. All I have to do is recall the last test I took. It was a complete disaster.
One miscue at the start of the test, led to another, and then...I'm not even sure what happened...every time I tried to recover, I'd screw something else up. I was completely disgusted with my performance and I don't think it was an accurate indicator of my true abilities. But now, the little nay-sayer in the back of my head reminds me that if I'm capable of one disastrous performance, I'm certainly capable of a second.
Sa Bum Nim gave Lefty and I a pep talk at the end of class last night. Lefty says the talk helped settle her worries. I think my fear is slowly turning into something close to terror.
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