Testing was...long and tiring. It was not quite as physically exhausting as I was expecting it to be. It was, however, a complete emotional drain.

My sore, right calf held up better than I thought it would. I'm sure the large quanitities of Advil I took made a difference. My liver probably shriveled to the size of a pea, but at least I could move my leg without visibly wincing.

Of course, I felt I cheated myself out of a decent test. I'm quite disappointed with some of the mistakes I made.

• I made some silly goofs in basics and forms. I tried to recover quickly, but I know a couple of the mistakes were blantantly obvious.
• My Hol Sin Sol could have gone better. As always, my reaction time when I'm grabbed is too slow and thoughtful. I neeed to react more quickly.
• Terminology was just plain weird. I misunderstood a few of the questions, so the black belt asking the questions probably thought I was an air-head or just plain stupid. Either way, I don't think it bodes well for me.

My breaks went well. My Il Soo Sik went well. I think I came across as more powerful than the person I was paired with. My endurance test also went fairly well.

At the end of it all. It could go either way. The next few weeks will be painful waiting for Sa Bom Nim to say whether or not I passed.

Of course, Lefty has inside sources that have assured her that we both did alright. I won't believe it 'til I hear it from Sa Bom Nim.

I realize now that I should have completed my black belt paper prior to testing. I think it is going to be very difficult to find the motivation to finish writing the thing now.

The clinic last night was long and tiring.

My right calf no longer works the way it is supposed to.

Tomorrow's test will be very interesting.

So I went to class this evening and had possibly the worst class ever. Two different black belts worked with me and totally tore apart every single thing that I did.

Not what I needed to have happen when I'm less than a week away from testing. Does anyone know the meaning of positive reinforcement? What about some good old-fashioned bald-face lies? That's what I need right now.

On top of that, I've guilted myself into attending a clinic Friday night. I hope I don't cripple myself with lactic acid two days before the test...I'm sure I will though.

So in preparing for my cho dan test, it has become clear to me that I'm just not where I need to be. I'm comfortable that I know my material. It's really more of the execution of techniques that I'm worried about. I don't feel like I move or react like a black belt candidate should.

In addition to my fear that I'm not ready for the test, I'm totally clueless about what I will write for my black belt paper. I've taken a few stabs at it. But, I'm rapidly moving into a full-blown procrastination mode. Lefty is quite a bit farther along than me, which only makes me more worried about what I'm not able to put fown on paper myself.

So with less than two weeks to go, my fear of failure is mounting.